Navigating Family Traditions After Divorce

Divorce disrupts a lot of things. From legal relationship status to interpersonal dynamics to individual addresses… to holiday traditions. While daily routines might begin to feel normal, the holiday season can bring a brutal reminder of how much has changed and what’s missing compared to last year.

In some cases, adults can work together to preserve some holiday traditions for their children. Naturall,y this requires a high level of collaboration and patience. It’s not always appropriate, but if this is something you’re working towards in your family, here are a few tips:

1. Communicate Early and Thoroughly

It’s important for you and your co-parent to begin planning well in advance of the holiday, and to discuss details about dates. times, and pickup/dropoff arrangements. This gives you both time to come to an understanding around the event, finalize schedules, and make alternate plans (if the other parent will be with the children).

2. Put The Kids First

Remember you’ve made this decision to enhance your children’s enjoyment of the holiday. Resist any urge to get snarky with your ex if you have to share space together. Don’t gloat if the kids are with you and the other parent is left out. If you’re the parent who is left out, refrain from telling your children how lonely you are or how much you’ll miss them. Employ patience and compassion, and bite your tongue as necessary.

3. Use Tech Tools

There are plenty of tools to help you communicate and plan your celebrations. Don’t forget to put your events in a shared calendar with your coparent. Use the most appropriate mode of communication to keep conversations productive, and don’t forget to share moments and memories via photos or video chatting between parents and kids.

4. Assessment Before Repetition

Before you agree to repeat the same tradition again next year, talk to your co-parent to evaluate this year’s festivities. How did each of you think the kids’ felt? How did each of you feel? Were there any logistical challenges? Take the time to determine if/how you’ll proceed next year.

In most cases, when parents part ways, they agree to separate holiday celebrations. In many cases this means a bittersweet release of old traditions coupled with an opportunity to create something new and special. Following are some recommendations to help you design your holiday celebrations in a new way.

1. It’s OK to Create Non-Traditional Traditions

Don’t be afraid to get creative as necessary. I know a family that held an annual “Early Bird” Thanksgiving on the Saturday before the holiday to ensure all the children could be present with the family. If it makes sense for you and the kids to feast on spaghetti and ice cream instead of turkey and pie, there’s no shame in that. Not feeling the holiday spirit? Pop some popcorn and watch a comedy instead of the seasonal favorites. Think about the needs of your family and the resources available to create traditions that make sense for you.

2. Ask Your Children For Input

Your traditions will be more meaningful and enduring if you create space for the kids to express their preferences. Hold a group brainstorm to nurture connection and collaboration as you choose your holiday adventure.

3. Pay Homage To An Old Tradition

Explore options to include elements of what was done in the past. If you used to go to Paris for New Year’s Eve, perhaps you can celebrate at home on Paris Time while eating croissants.

4. Remember What Matters Most

Divorce has a way of inspiring competition between households, but I don’t recommend indulging in such a stressful endeavor. Holiday celebrations are about warmth and connection among those we hold dear.

Bonus Tips:  For those who simply can not this year.

1. Give Back

Forego all traditional holiday celebrations and focus on giving to others. Find a local charity that could use an extra set of hands and make it your mission to assist those less fortunate.

2. Go Way Outside The Box

You can always choose a holiday activity that’s 180 degrees from ordinary. Consider a holiday meal in a restaurant, Christmas morning at the movies, or you might choose to get out of town altogether and bask on a warm beach.

Holiday celebrations after divorce can be a challenge, and when the separation is new, you might feel a lot of sadness. However, with a little thoughtfulness and planning, you can create a holiday season that is meaningful and memorable for you and your family, regardless of how your family evolves over time.

This article was written by our client-coach, Tara Eisenhard. To learn more about Tara and her process click here.