Five Tips For Parenting After Divorce

Divorce brings questions, many of which can be addressed throughout the formal legal process. But when people share children, there are ongoing challenges that can persist for years to come. While a parenting agreement can provide structure, schedules, and instruction, it can’t address all of the shifting family dynamics and emotional elements that crop up when parents maintain a two-home family. Following are five tips that can offer a bit more guidance to help parents successfully navigate this space.

1. Manage Your Mindset. Many parents feel a crushing sense of guilt and shame simply for being divorced. They question their value and fear they’ve failed their children. You can revise this narrative by reminding yourself that divorce is a solution to a problem and good parents explore and apply appropriate solutions. While your situation isn’t ideal, no family is perfect, and you’re learning, growing, and loving your children through this chapter of your lives. It can also help to embrace the autonomy that comes with parenting apart: you’re free to exercise your parenting style, set your own household rules, and make your own kind of memories with your kids.
2. Consider Divorce Through Your Child’s Eyes. For adults, divorce is a complicated mix of discussions and decisions to address assets, debts, and custody. For kids, it’s very simple:  their family is changing and their parents no longer live together. Some keywords here are “family” and “parents.” Although you might regard your ex as “your ex,” your child still sees them as “Mom” or “Dad,” and regardless of where parents live, they’re still family to their children. It’s also important to remember that children want to feel good about their family and where they came from. Keeping this in mind can help you shield children from additional conflict and use appropriate language when speaking to them.
3. Expect A Change In Your Relationship With Your Child. Divorce pushes parents out of their typical roles and comfort zones, and this changes the dynamics between parents and children. You can create and/or maintain a positive relationship by finding clarity and confidence in your parenting style, nurturing honest communication in your home, and encouraging your child to have positive relationships across both homes.
4. Create a Brand-New Relationship With Your Child’s Other Parent. Once upon a time, the two of you were life partners and your relationship was rooted in that reality. In this new paradigm, you’re co-parents, and that’s a completely different scenario. Creating a new relationship is a little like building a new house. You need to establish a foundation (shared goals and values) and then build an appropriate structure that honors your boundaries. You’ll also need to establish new rules of communication. This can be a difficult transition to make after so much history as a couple, but when you separate from the past, it’s easier to focus on the present and future.
5. Be Mindful When New Partners Join Your Team. Inevitably, divorced parents will begin dating others and eventually settle into significant new partnerships that impact children and rattle the structure of a co-parenting relationship. It’s important to be prepared for some new emotions (such as insecurity, jealousy, and resentment) and questions about the shifting flows in family function. Co-parents can help to ease tension by meeting new partners, clarifying expectations, and respectfully communicating as much as possible to ensure ongoing understanding. It can also be helpful to position a new partner not as a new parent, but more like a teacher: someone children should respect and obey, but not someone that will take the place of either parent.

With the appropriate tools and strategies, divorce can create positive ongoing experiences for parents and children. By exercising compassion, consideration, and mindfully managing relationships, a family can thrive across two homes.

Written by Tara Eisenhard. For a deeper dive into this principle, check out the corresponding videos that go with this article on our YouTube account.