The Five Styles of Dealing with Conflict

When it comes to conflict, there are multiple approaches people take in their response. Sometimes people fight to win their conflict while others choose to keep the peace by sacrificing their own interests.

When family dynamics shift as the result of divorce or another legal process, conflict often arises with greater frequency than before. For those who’ve known each other for years, conflict often follows a similar pattern and participants typically gravitate toward their preferred conflict style. Let’s look at each of these conflict styles in a little more detail.

Five Styles of Conflict

1. Avoiding the conflict. This is the “sweep-it-under-the-rug” approach to dealing with conflict. Knowing there’s a problem, but ignoring it means neither party gets what they want and the relationship doesn’t change. Sometimes this approach is beneficial and in other cases, it can breed anger, resentment, and distrust.
2. Accommodating the other party. This is the “give-them-what-they want” approach to dealing with conflict. In this scenario, one person gets what they desire and the relationship often survives the conflict. While a personal sacrifice for a greater good (or personal peace) might be appropriate in some cases, a painful imbalance and unfair expectation can develop if one person in a relationship always accommodates the other.
3. Competing. This is the “dig-your-heels-in” approach to conflict. Competing for what you want may ultimately benefit you if you win the competition, but the relationship often suffers as a result. This way of dealing with conflict can be quite heated, with lots of drama and intense emotions.
4. Compromising. This is the “meet-in-the-middle” approach to conflict. Both sides give a little as well as get a little. Compromise is often what comes to mind when people are seeking a peaceful resolution to a conflict. A healthy compromise benefits both parties to some degree and usually results in a continued relationship.
5. Collaboration. This is the “let’s-talk-through-it” approach to conflict, and it’s often the most difficult to do in a state of disagreement. Collaboration involves a deeper exploration of the situation and holds space for all parties to share their interests and needs. Through this process, the impacted parties nurture understanding and compassion, thus opening the door to more creative conflict solutions that best meet the needs of everyone involved. The end result is happier people and a stronger relationship.

Now that you know the five styles of dealing with conflict, can you identify them at work in your life? How do you typically approach conflict? How do your kids? What about your boss? What are some familiar patterns you can identify with your ex/co-parent? How do you think a situation might end differently if you employed a different approach?

Written by Tara Eisenhard. For a deeper dive into this topic, check out the corresponding videos that go with this article on our YouTube account.