The Right Costume

Halloween is the perfect time to think about costumes. When you show up for trick-or-treat or at a friend’s party this year, who will you be? Will others be able to recognize you? How well will you portray the character you’re dressed as?

We think about costumes at Halloween, but we wear costumes year-round. Except we don’t typically call them “costumes.” We usually refer to them as “roles.” Sometimes we say something like, “I wear many hats.” On any given day, you might play the part of an engaged employee, a fearless leader, or a domestic engineer.

Consider some of the roles you might need to adopt as you move through your family law process. In the spirit of Halloween, let’s imagine them as costumes and look at some of them in a bit more detail.

The AFL Client (in general)

How They Think/Feel: Thoughtful, Empathetic, Calm, Focused

How They Act: Responsive, Organized, Courageous, Honest, Thorough

The Question They Ask: “What can I do to meet my goals?”

Tools They Need: MN Divorce/Custody Books, Internet/Computer, Dedicated Email Address, Notes and Folders

Example:  John Jones needs an attorney and wonders where he’ll be a good fit. He knows AFL clients are tech-savvy team players who recognize the importance of their participation in the process. They’re self-aware, motivated, and willing to have hard conversations. John might be holding shattered dreams, but he possesses a growth mindset and is eager to build a bright future. The AFL Client Costume is one he can wear with ease.

The Productive Co-Parent

How They Think/Feel: Child-Focused, Considerate

How They Act: Professional and Business-Like

The Question They Ask: “How can we support the kids’ wellbeing?”

The Tools They Need: Solid boundaries, BIFF Communication, Digital calendar, Coparenting App

Example:  Jane Smith is a woman scorned by her ex, but she knows the past need not contaminate her children’s future. When she must deal with her kids’ dad, she steps into the Productive Co-Parent Costume. She conducts herself as if she’s in a business meeting with a loathed coworker, politely collaborating to identify and solve problems. She knows that despite any animosity between them, she and her co-parent share the same goal of delivering happy healthy kids to adulthood.

The Mindful Mediation Client

How They Think/Feel: Confident Yet Curious

How They Act: Professional, Participatory

The Question They Ask: “What makes sense for our situation?”

Tools They Need: List of Goals, Calendar, Calculator, Stress Ball

Example:  Chris Katz didn’t sleep well last night, but he’s not going to let that impact this important day. As he pulls on his khakis and buttons his shirt, he’s suiting up as a Mindful Mediation Client. Once in costume, Chris is no longer sleepy. Instead, he’s eager to express his goals as well as learn more about the other party’s intentions. He’s committed to staying centered and open-minded as both sides work together to chart a creative and productive path forward.

The Effective Litigant

How They Think/Feel: Confident in Position, Trusting Their Attorney, Surrendering the Outcome

How They Act: Stoic as an observer. Polished and practiced as a witness.

The Question They Ask: “What story are we telling the judge?”

Tools They Need: Paper/Pen, Breathing Techniques To Stay Centered

Example:  Jenny Johnston struggles with anxiety and self-esteem issues, but she knows there’s no place for that in court. She greets her attorney at the courthouse, fully embodying her Effective Litigant Costume. Throughout the trial, Jenny’s costume keeps her sitting tall and attentive. The mask hides her fear, anger, and (at times) boredom. The costume is a bit unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but Jenny is grateful for it when the judge sides with her.

The Discovery Detective

How They Think/Feel: Brave, Determined, Motivated

How They Act: Quick, Efficient, Thorough

The Question They Ask: “How do I get my documents?”

Tools They Need: Account Credentials, Scanning App

Example:  Bob Birch managed the household for 15 years while his spouse managed the money. When his divorce process began, Bob felt helpless and ashamed to be so ignorant about the information his attorney asked for. Nevertheless, he donned his Discovery Detective Costume and got to work unearthing old statements and sending them to his legal team. As a “detective,” he felt confident asking questions, accepting direction, and following clues. His hard work resulted in a thorough balance sheet, a timely process, and an appropriate settlement.

As you can see, it can be helpful to think of putting on a new costume as you step into a role that might feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable. If you’d like some assistance customizing a “costume” to meet your needs, our client coach is standing by to work with you! Schedule a call here.

This article was written by our client coach, Tara Eisenhard. To learn more about Tara and her process click here.